Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A Major Breakthrough...

Today was a day for breakthroughs....big ones. It all happened when i began an interview at work on the topic of irrational fears. We had barely been chatting a couple minutes when my heart began to race, my hands began to tremble and my mind went blank. FYI, i am a chatterbox, i don't shut up. Not today. I was speachless. Only minutes before the interview began i had a list of things that i wanted to discuss but all of a sudden i could barely spit out a sentence. All of these repressed feelings were beginning to surface and tears began to well up in my eyes.

We had to change the topic due to my speach impairment lol and decided that we would do the interview another week which would give me a chance to write everything down on paper. As soon as i got off skype i opened up MS Word and began typing. I had to let it all out.

What i discovered about myself this afternoon was that i have an irrational fear of being assertive when a situation is outside my control. In my element, i am confident and a great leader, but take me out of my comfort zone and i am bombarded by irrational thoughts of rejection.

I honestly thought i had stopped blaming my mum months ago for all of my insecurity issues. But today it was evident that i hadn't completely let go. It occured to me that the moment i set a big goal, a little negative fairy emerges from my unconsious whispering to me that my desires to succeed (in areas that are important to me) are pathetic, that i am not worthy of success, so why bother trying when my efforts will never be good enough to impress my mum. The very issue that haunted my teenage years that led me to my love-hate relationship with chocolate. ANd so the bingeing began.

So there you have it, that was DEEP and very RAW. My blood pressure is still HIGH but i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am now ready to let that go because i know the only person i need to impress is myself. I don't need to be fearful anymore for fear only holds you back from surpassing your wildest dreams.

After that discovery i went on to have a KILLER boxing sesh! I nearly made poor John, my boxing partner throw up his birthday cake lol. ANd on another happy note, yesterday i initated myself into the sub 50min 10km club! I smashed out 49:36min and took 53 seconds off last weeks PB!

Anwyay i must fly and write a new list of affirmations to help set me free!


  1. I broke a board with my hand and then broke my hand on a brick at events to get me through the fear of failure when the goals were big ;) I think the biggest thing that I do now is look at the worst case scenario before I go in. Some how putting that in my mind makes me realize it's not that bad and it takes some of the pressure off myself that would freeze me.
    Can't wait to see your list of aspirations! I hope one of them is I didn't run and now I CRUSH a 10k like butter :)

  2. Amy - i have always wanted to break a board with my hand! ( Did you mean you also broke a brick with your hand??) I can see how that can help to conquer fear. It's all about changing your thinking hey!!.... P.S.i have always been a runner BUT never a consistant distance runner. 10ks used to freak me out but now it brings me peace ;-)

  3. Chelle i think we all have our fears.And Facing them is what makes us stronger. I think maybe your Mothers fear is you .She has raised a strong independent girl . PS My daughter is a chocolate binger as well , luckly she doesn't blame me , she blames her Dad ...he loves the stuff as well LOL
    well done with the running .x

  4. Diane- you know i have never thought of it like that i.e. mum's fear is me! You could be right because she is one lady that has to be in control of EVERY situation, no matter the consequence to anyone else. Definitely food for thought, thanks!. P.s. My dad is a chocoholic too ;-)